Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
