Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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