Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
