I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
