capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
