matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you would pick up someone in the library
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
