ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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