I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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