Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
