Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
