I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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