Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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