I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
