Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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