You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
