Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
