he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
