I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
