also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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