so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
