Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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