Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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