i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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