A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
