A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
