Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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