is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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