if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
