when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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