im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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