so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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