i would punch a child for taco bell
everyone is single if you try hard enough
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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