Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
