The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
