My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
