even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
