My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
