I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
