she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
