i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
