you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
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