Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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