Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
