I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
