Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
