I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
