Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
honey bunches of taint.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
