Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
this beer tastes like vomit already
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
