i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
