Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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