I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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