4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
